Before the Camera, There is Connection
How I Help Couples Feel at Ease on Their Wedding Day
Wedding planning carries its own particular weight. There are vendors to vet, timelines to build, families to manage, and somewhere in the middle of all of it, an expectation that every detail will fall perfectly into place on a single day. Among the many things couples worry about, photography tends to rank near the top and not because they don't care about their photos, but because they care so much and feel so uncertain about their own role in them. Almost every couple I speak with says "I'm not photogenic" or "I'm going to be so awkward in front of the camera."
What I want to say to every one of them is this: no couple has ever come to their wedding day looking anything less than themselves at their absolute best. There is something about the combination of love, anticipation, and the presence of everyone who matters most that works its way outward. My job is simply to be ready when it does, and to help couples arrive at that place feeling relaxed enough to let it happen naturally.
The way I do that begins long before the wedding day.
Relaxing into the engagement session…and having fun!
A Traditional Practice
The impulse to mark an engagement with a portrait is far older than photography itself. The custom of commissioning oil or miniature portraits at the time of an engagement was well established long before the camera existed, a practice originally reserved for those with the means to pay an artist. When photography arrived in the mid-1800s, that changed. The emergence of photographic portraiture marked a significant democratization of the form, making personal images accessible to a much broader range of social classes, and by the 1880s, engagement portraits had become widespread, even among working-class families.
My grandparents’ wedding photo in a formal studio, from the 1920’s.
Those early portraits looked nothing like what we do today. Couples sat stiffly in studios, often unsmiling, dressed in their finest. Photographers posed couples to give prominence to the woman's newly-ringed finger, and by the late 1880s, the image of a seated gentleman with the lady standing beside him, her hand resting on his shoulder, had become the recognized hallmark of the engaged couple. The tradition spread far beyond Western studios. In Japan, the betrothal ceremony known as the Yuino centers on an elaborate exchange of symbolic gifts between families, with each item carrying meaning: seaweed representing children, a spreading fan symbolizing growth, a bolt of white hemp representing growing old together. In Taiwan and China, pre-wedding photography became its own cultural industry entirely, originating when wedding dress manufacturers began offering photo shoots as a way of selling more gowns, a commercial beginning that grew into one of the most photographically elaborate betrothal traditions in the world.
A mom helping her daughter get ready on the wedding day. I love these in-between moments!
What cuts across all of it, separated by centuries and continents, is the same underlying impulse: the desire to mark this particular moment as one worth documenting. The form keeps changing. The feeling behind it never has. For me, what matters most is time together before the wedding day, and a chance to learn how a couple moves and laughs and exists with each other. The engagement session is where that foundation gets built, and everything that follows is better for it.
Having some fun on the shores of Lake Tahoe.
Presence Over Performance
On the wedding day itself, the photographs I treasure most are rarely the ones where everyone is looking at the camera. They happen in the in-between moments, a glance exchanged before the ceremony, an unexpected laugh during toasts, two people simply standing together at the end of a long and beautiful day.
My role is to be present without interfering, to anticipate moments rather than manufacture them. I’ll give guidance to my couple for some photo moments, but otherwise, it’s best to let go and trust that your photographer is getting all the moments. As Julie shared: "During the wedding itself, she captured every important moment without being obtrusive, letting us focus on each other and everything else instead of having to pose for the camera."
Kimberly described it in a way that has stayed with me: "Throughout the whole experience Sonya remained calm, was organized with her content capture list and efficient with gathering specific family members for photos. We've been to weddings before where the photographer is very much in the way and that was not the case with Sonya. Even our guests mentioned she was very subtle in how she captured moments and was somehow always in the right place at the right time. She eased any anxiety we had and left us feeling confident she would capture every key moment with everyone looking their best."
The excited and nervous anticipation of a First Look.
When couples trust that someone is paying attention on their behalf, they can stop managing the experience and simply live inside it. That shift, from performance to presence, is where the best wedding photographs come from.
There will be moments where I will take charge and give direction, like for any group photos, family photos, wedding party photos, and most importantly, the photos of the couple. But the rest of the day I will be documenting the day as it unfolds, keenly looking for those big and little moments. And if you’re feeling self-conscious, just know that the engagement session was the starting point of your photographer understanding what feels and looks natural and flattering for you.
“Let’s get everyone in a photo!” A fun group to gather for a big photo at San Francisco City Hall.
Where to Begin?
If you are planning a wedding in San Francisco, across the Bay Area, or anywhere in Northern California and the idea of being photographed still feels daunting, I would encourage you to learn a little more about how I work with couples before we ever pick up a camera. The engagement session is a good place to start, and I have put together a guide to my favorite locations across the San Francisco Bay Area for anyone who wants to begin thinking about it. Wherever you are in the planning process, I would love to hear what matters most to you.
Maurissa said it well: "We had the best experience with Sonya as our wedding photographer. She made us feel comfortable and natural, and our photos were gorgeous and really felt like us."
That is the whole point. Your photographs should feel like you, not a performance of a couple on a wedding day, but the two of you, exactly as you are, on one of the best days of your lives. As a San Francisco wedding photographer working with couples across the Bay Area and California, that is the experience I am committed to creating from our very first conversation. Click here to learn more about the experience of working with Sonya.
Thanks to Jeanie Horton for capturing this moment with my bride! From a Stinson Beach wedding.
In collaboration with The Lifestyle Historian.